Guess what's finally sinking in?

Paul and I went to church today- our "home" church (which we haven't been to in a month of Sundays, and that's a story for another day). Aside from the awkwardness that exists when you go some place that used to be home and now you feel like a total stranger, I was overcome by a flood of emotions. I'm usually a bit emotional in church anyway. When the message is right and I'm feeling it in my bones it's not unusual for me to cry a bit. I made it through the service pretty well and returned to my seat after communion and proceeded to pray. I made it through my 'list' of usual prayers and began to ask God to bless and keep our daughter, as I always do, and the tears began to come. It's silly, but she's always been "real" in my heart, but now... now she's REAL. Somewhere in an orphanage there's a baby girl waiting for us to come get her. I guess it's the waiting part that made me teary. For so long we've been waiting for her, and now she's waiting on us. I wonder if God, who placed her in my heart so long ago, has placed us in her heart, too? Does she have a sense of peace and knowing that soon her family is coming to get her? I can't believe what a softie I am (those of you who really know me, know that's really who I am anyway). My eyes are filling up now just thinking about it again.
The conclusion I've come to, based on nothing but my faith, is that He must be watching over her and all the other little babies who have no momma to rock them tonight. For that and the innumerable gifts and blessing He has given us, I am thankful beyond measure. Our God is an awesome God.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

You know what's worse than waiting 5 years?

Waiting 3-6 months! I'm more impatient now than I've ever been. Think about it. Somewhere in China a child has been born and is waiting for all of this paperwork nonsense to be completed so we can bring her home. Amazing. My child has been born. ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD! Let the nesting begin, again.

I'm finding it very difficult to concentrate on much of anything else right now. Errant thoughts and questions keep popping into my head. What does she look like? What if she doesn't like us? What if she doesn't sleep? What if she's a picky eater? How many diapers do you need for two weeks? How much formula do you take with you? How long does that last? What's the best way to schlep your kid through international airport after airport? What if she cries the entire flight? What if she doesn't cry? Will she have a good sense of humor?

Glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel...

We received word from our agency that our LID group is the next group to be matched with babies. We are cautiously optimistic at this point. I'm pretty sure I had lost faith that this would actually happen but now that it feels real again I can't wait. Our baby girl may have been born by now or is about to be born! Either way she's real again in my heart! Cross your fingers and pray without ceasing that if she is abandoned she's found quickly and loved and cared for until we can come and get her and bring her home.

60 Month Milestone

60 months ago today our paperwork was logged in at the CCAA. Now, all we have to do is wait to be matched. How long could that take? We thought naively. :-) We're closer to our baby girl than ever before.

Milestones- real and imaginary

Real milestone- as August draws near we are approaching our 60th month of waiting. Nothing new to report. Nothing new to say about it.

Imaginary milestone- I turned 40 this month. No big deal. I think I expected a big deal of some kind. I don't know. Didn't feel particularly older or wiser. I liken it to the phenomenon of wedding let down. Young women look forward to their wedding day with such enthusiasm and zeal that the actual day, although amazing and beautiful, can't possibly live up to the fantasy they've created in their head. Turning 40 was kind of like that which is weird because I didn't have any 40 fantasies. I just know that it wasn't at all what I thought it would be.

Summer time and the living is easy?

Can't believe that summer is only a few days away. Looking around the homestead and making a list of all the things I'd like to get done this summer. Odd, some of those same items were on the list I made this time last year. Go figure. :)

On resentment and frustration

I attended a baby shower for a dear friend (and had she not been my dear friend I would not have gone) this past weekend and while I was there a former colleague asked me where we were in the process and "Just how long have you been waiting?" This particular woman is a really sweet girl. In no way did she mean to intrude or pry. She was genuinely concerned and was around when we first began this process. The thing that really irked me, and maybe it shouldn't have, was when a total stranger inserted herself into the conversation and began to ask really personal questions: Why is it taking so long for you? I don't know. How long have you been waiting? 58 months. Why did you choose China? I've heard really bad things about them. We really felt like China was chosen for us and we did our research. China is still one of the most reputable countries from which to adopt. The questions continued and I politely but curtly answered them. I used to think I was pretty transparent- easy to read, but apparently not. This girl was not picking up what I was putting down. I had to simply walk away from her to get away from her.

Now, to be fair,I am extraordinarily sensitive about this topic and the longer we wait the more sensitive I become. Which brings me to the question: which is worse: asking about the adoption, talking about it all the time or not talking about it, not acknowledging that perhaps it's a little difficult for me to attend a baby shower, or celebrate a Mother's day. So, I'm bringing it here. Putting it down on the 'page' so that maybe I can actually put it down.

I resent the tiptoeing around. "Oh, be careful around, Lisa. Don't talk about babies with her." And, just to muddy the waters and set up a perfect paradox here, I also hate talking about other people's babies incessantly. It's a catch-22. I know it. Deal with it. I am.

I resent when people assume that they know what it is like to wait like this and I resent being reminded of Sarah and Abraham and how long they waited as if that is some sort of consolation.

I resent having to comfort someone else about my situation. Really? Don't wince at me when I answer your questions and give me that pitiful look.

I'm not feeling all that positive right now and guess what? If my ankles were swollen and my body was exhausted from carrying another human being we'd chalk that up to just pregnancy hormones and sensitivity. Instead, because I am waiting for a child halfway across the universe I think I'm supposed to make things easier for other folks, to suck it up. Get on with it. Be a good sport. Well, I don't want to suck it up. I'm tired of being a good sport. I'm frustrated. Angry. Sad. Irritated.

Instead of silently seething and not really hiding my feelings all that well, I've purged. It's out there. Done. However, I don't know if this is the last time I'll say these things, something tells me it won't be.

I would like to end on a positive note so I'll simply say that I've been blessed beyond my understanding with a husband who knows when to listen and when to advise, who is silently suffering right along side of me during all of this and who truly knows the way this feels. I'm forever grateful for my friend, Connie, who has perfect timing (because His time is perfect) and asked the right question at the right time. Thank you, Connie, for being such a blessing and a good listener. I'm really trying to lay this at His feet.

March 16 was 56 months.

Nothing I could write now would NOT sound like a giant pity party. So, no post. Just the update.