On resentment and frustration

I attended a baby shower for a dear friend (and had she not been my dear friend I would not have gone) this past weekend and while I was there a former colleague asked me where we were in the process and "Just how long have you been waiting?" This particular woman is a really sweet girl. In no way did she mean to intrude or pry. She was genuinely concerned and was around when we first began this process. The thing that really irked me, and maybe it shouldn't have, was when a total stranger inserted herself into the conversation and began to ask really personal questions: Why is it taking so long for you? I don't know. How long have you been waiting? 58 months. Why did you choose China? I've heard really bad things about them. We really felt like China was chosen for us and we did our research. China is still one of the most reputable countries from which to adopt. The questions continued and I politely but curtly answered them. I used to think I was pretty transparent- easy to read, but apparently not. This girl was not picking up what I was putting down. I had to simply walk away from her to get away from her.

Now, to be fair,I am extraordinarily sensitive about this topic and the longer we wait the more sensitive I become. Which brings me to the question: which is worse: asking about the adoption, talking about it all the time or not talking about it, not acknowledging that perhaps it's a little difficult for me to attend a baby shower, or celebrate a Mother's day. So, I'm bringing it here. Putting it down on the 'page' so that maybe I can actually put it down.

I resent the tiptoeing around. "Oh, be careful around, Lisa. Don't talk about babies with her." And, just to muddy the waters and set up a perfect paradox here, I also hate talking about other people's babies incessantly. It's a catch-22. I know it. Deal with it. I am.

I resent when people assume that they know what it is like to wait like this and I resent being reminded of Sarah and Abraham and how long they waited as if that is some sort of consolation.

I resent having to comfort someone else about my situation. Really? Don't wince at me when I answer your questions and give me that pitiful look.

I'm not feeling all that positive right now and guess what? If my ankles were swollen and my body was exhausted from carrying another human being we'd chalk that up to just pregnancy hormones and sensitivity. Instead, because I am waiting for a child halfway across the universe I think I'm supposed to make things easier for other folks, to suck it up. Get on with it. Be a good sport. Well, I don't want to suck it up. I'm tired of being a good sport. I'm frustrated. Angry. Sad. Irritated.

Instead of silently seething and not really hiding my feelings all that well, I've purged. It's out there. Done. However, I don't know if this is the last time I'll say these things, something tells me it won't be.

I would like to end on a positive note so I'll simply say that I've been blessed beyond my understanding with a husband who knows when to listen and when to advise, who is silently suffering right along side of me during all of this and who truly knows the way this feels. I'm forever grateful for my friend, Connie, who has perfect timing (because His time is perfect) and asked the right question at the right time. Thank you, Connie, for being such a blessing and a good listener. I'm really trying to lay this at His feet.