Glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel...

We received word from our agency that our LID group is the next group to be matched with babies. We are cautiously optimistic at this point. I'm pretty sure I had lost faith that this would actually happen but now that it feels real again I can't wait. Our baby girl may have been born by now or is about to be born! Either way she's real again in my heart! Cross your fingers and pray without ceasing that if she is abandoned she's found quickly and loved and cared for until we can come and get her and bring her home.

60 Month Milestone

60 months ago today our paperwork was logged in at the CCAA. Now, all we have to do is wait to be matched. How long could that take? We thought naively. :-) We're closer to our baby girl than ever before.

Milestones- real and imaginary

Real milestone- as August draws near we are approaching our 60th month of waiting. Nothing new to report. Nothing new to say about it.

Imaginary milestone- I turned 40 this month. No big deal. I think I expected a big deal of some kind. I don't know. Didn't feel particularly older or wiser. I liken it to the phenomenon of wedding let down. Young women look forward to their wedding day with such enthusiasm and zeal that the actual day, although amazing and beautiful, can't possibly live up to the fantasy they've created in their head. Turning 40 was kind of like that which is weird because I didn't have any 40 fantasies. I just know that it wasn't at all what I thought it would be.

Summer time and the living is easy?

Can't believe that summer is only a few days away. Looking around the homestead and making a list of all the things I'd like to get done this summer. Odd, some of those same items were on the list I made this time last year. Go figure. :)

On resentment and frustration

I attended a baby shower for a dear friend (and had she not been my dear friend I would not have gone) this past weekend and while I was there a former colleague asked me where we were in the process and "Just how long have you been waiting?" This particular woman is a really sweet girl. In no way did she mean to intrude or pry. She was genuinely concerned and was around when we first began this process. The thing that really irked me, and maybe it shouldn't have, was when a total stranger inserted herself into the conversation and began to ask really personal questions: Why is it taking so long for you? I don't know. How long have you been waiting? 58 months. Why did you choose China? I've heard really bad things about them. We really felt like China was chosen for us and we did our research. China is still one of the most reputable countries from which to adopt. The questions continued and I politely but curtly answered them. I used to think I was pretty transparent- easy to read, but apparently not. This girl was not picking up what I was putting down. I had to simply walk away from her to get away from her.

Now, to be fair,I am extraordinarily sensitive about this topic and the longer we wait the more sensitive I become. Which brings me to the question: which is worse: asking about the adoption, talking about it all the time or not talking about it, not acknowledging that perhaps it's a little difficult for me to attend a baby shower, or celebrate a Mother's day. So, I'm bringing it here. Putting it down on the 'page' so that maybe I can actually put it down.

I resent the tiptoeing around. "Oh, be careful around, Lisa. Don't talk about babies with her." And, just to muddy the waters and set up a perfect paradox here, I also hate talking about other people's babies incessantly. It's a catch-22. I know it. Deal with it. I am.

I resent when people assume that they know what it is like to wait like this and I resent being reminded of Sarah and Abraham and how long they waited as if that is some sort of consolation.

I resent having to comfort someone else about my situation. Really? Don't wince at me when I answer your questions and give me that pitiful look.

I'm not feeling all that positive right now and guess what? If my ankles were swollen and my body was exhausted from carrying another human being we'd chalk that up to just pregnancy hormones and sensitivity. Instead, because I am waiting for a child halfway across the universe I think I'm supposed to make things easier for other folks, to suck it up. Get on with it. Be a good sport. Well, I don't want to suck it up. I'm tired of being a good sport. I'm frustrated. Angry. Sad. Irritated.

Instead of silently seething and not really hiding my feelings all that well, I've purged. It's out there. Done. However, I don't know if this is the last time I'll say these things, something tells me it won't be.

I would like to end on a positive note so I'll simply say that I've been blessed beyond my understanding with a husband who knows when to listen and when to advise, who is silently suffering right along side of me during all of this and who truly knows the way this feels. I'm forever grateful for my friend, Connie, who has perfect timing (because His time is perfect) and asked the right question at the right time. Thank you, Connie, for being such a blessing and a good listener. I'm really trying to lay this at His feet.

March 16 was 56 months.

Nothing I could write now would NOT sound like a giant pity party. So, no post. Just the update.

Month 51 and Some Ramblings

Been awhile since last I wrote. Haven't had much to say, in the way of the adoption, anyway. Those who know me, know I always have something to say :)

Wednesday, Nov. 3- we made the trip down to the area offices of immigration services and updated our 1-171H and were fingerprinted again. This renewal process secures the immigration status of an adopted child and ensures that upon arrival in the United States the abandoned orphan is declared a US citizen. Our appointment was at 8 and we were back in the car on our way home by 8:20. Is was great! We had a nice day together. Grabbed lunch, ate at a leisurely pace and then had dinner with my in-laws. It was a good day.

I'd like to think this is the last time we will do this...but we've been living this life for 51 months. I worry that I won't know how to live a life that isn't about waiting... what in the world am I going to do with a baby???? I'm sure I'll figure that out and I can name a few folks who would like nothing more than to tell me how to do it... solicited or not. But those of you who know me well, and love me anyway, know how well I take a lesson. ;)

I've been thinking a lot about the kind of young woman I hope our daughter grows up to be. Independent. Spirited. Intelligent. Kind. Willing and able to speak her mind. I hope she's able to draw boundaries so that no one, not a soul, treats her like a door mat. I want her to be able to say, "Mom, You're wrong and I disagree" when I am and she does. I want her to be able to follow her heart and not worry what the rest of the damn world thinks about it. I'd like her to be sensitive to others but not so sensitive herself. Sadly, I'd like her to know that there are some people, no matter how hard you try, who will never be satisfied. That might sound pessimistic but it's really not. Those people aren't worth her time. I also want her to know that no matter who it is... I will take down the person who tries to make her something she's not. So, enough said I suppose.